Heavy Heart, Full Heart

This Thursday I went to read with my 2nd grade buddy for the last time of the school year—and maybe ever. I was dreading telling him goodbye. When I told him I was leaving the school I had the security of being able to tell him I would see him once a week. I didn’t have to face a hard goodbye. Really, I was just delaying what I knew would be a sad conversation. (I also put off writing a Thank You note to the staff for giving me a gift card when I left. The finality of saying “thank you” was too much for me.)

So I went into the school nervous. I dropped off my card for the staff at the office, signed in, and picked up my visitor pass. A couple staff members stopped me in the hallway to chat, which I appreciated because it meant I could delay just a little longer. I clutched two picture books to my chest, knowing I wouldn’t leave with them. Knowing that they were my attempt to leave my 2nd grade buddy with something to remember me by.

When I went into the classroom he was digging through the recycling bin with a friend. I’m not sure what he was looking for, but it gave me a chance to talk with his teacher and tell her about the books.

One of the things I learned my first year at the school was that summertime isn’t always a fun time for kids. Some kids don’t look forward to summer. Next year is going to be really different for my buddy, and I worry about that. I worry that I won’t be reading with him every week.

As we walked down the hallway to the library, I told him that I brought these two books for us to look at. He said that he would help me remember to take them home. I told him I wasn’t keeping them, and he asked what would happen to them. I asked him who he thought would get to keep them. The look on his face, that little half smile, will stick with me for a long time.

We sat on the couch and I showed him the two books. He said, “We’ve read Beekle before.” I said, “I know, but I wanted you to have it. I wrote a note on the inside for you.” He opened it up and read my note about this being one of my favorite books we’ve read together. After he silently criticized my handwriting, he said it was one of his favorites too. I explained that I like it because it’s all about making friends and being brave to make friends. He nodded.

The second book is an illustrated version of Prince Caspian. It’s a nice abridged version of the book that is easy to digest for younger kiddos. We read through the first three and a half books of the Chronicles of Narnia when he was in first grade and we read together every day. I wanted him to remember that. In that book I wrote a note about how I hoped he would read the whole series some day. In my heart, I hope that he will be able to see God in those books like I see Him. I pray that I have been able to plant a seed for him. He promised he would read them someday.

We read through the book and then we sat and chatted about how school was almost over. He told me he was nervous about not being in the same class as his best friends. We talked about his summer.

And then he asked me if we would read together when he is in 3rd grade. I told him I didn’t know, that it depends. I couldn’t just say, “No.” He did that nod where he purses his lips really tight, when I can tell he’s trying not to get upset. I’ve seen that face many times. We’ve walked through how to deal with those feelings a lot. He stood up and gave me a hug.

I reminded him about how far he has come, and that I am so proud of him—that he needs to keep reading.

I told him he is brave. That he will make new friends in his new class next year.

I reminded him of some of the tricks I use when I’m upset—breathe in through your nose and blow out some pretend birthday candles.

I told him, “Even if we don’t read together next year, I need you to know that you are special to me. That you are very important.”

He nodded and covered his heart with both his hands and said to me, “No matter what, you will be right here, Miss Schuett.”

I’ve never been so close to crying. I gave him a hug and said, “You are so right, buddy. You are so right.”

I left the school with a heavy heart—heavy, but also full.